I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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