There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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