my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
