Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
