stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
