I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just want to make out with him forever
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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