If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
