Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
