I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I love you.
Bad choice
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