Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
