i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
