she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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