i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
