This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
