guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Actions speak louder than pants.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
