apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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