She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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