i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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