You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
