Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
