his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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