I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
