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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Acid is not a monday night drug
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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