Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
