Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
