i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
