I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
