I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
