she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
