this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
