Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
