just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
