i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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