Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
