I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
