Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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