She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
