Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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