If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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