READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
