I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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