making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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