And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
