Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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