Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
