You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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