Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
