Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
