my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
