Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
