i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My liver just had a heart attack.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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