She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
